The custom continues: Jimmy Kimmel wrapped Disney’s upfront presentation Tuesday with yuks in regards to the competitors just like the naming of Comcast’s Versant and that “wrinkly Peacock who’s lastly sufficiently old to observe CBS.”
After Disney’s 80-minute presentation that included an off-key musical efficiency by Peyton and Eli Manning and an “Alien invasion” to advertise Noah Hawley’s new Alien: Earth, Kimmel kicked off his annual look with a pre-taped skit from his daughter’s maternity room that featured Dr. Dre in scrubs.
That’s proper: Kimmel’s about to be a grandpa!
After providing naming rights for his grandkid to the promoting world, Kimmel confirmed up reside on stage on the Javits Heart to ship his much-anticipated bon mots earlier than ending his monologue with a plea to advertisers to assist exhibits like 60 Minutes.
“You might have the ability as a result of you have got the cash to assist journalism,” he stated.
Right here had been his greatest yuks.
“Earlier than we begin, it’s come to my consideration that yesterday Seth Meyers additionally did some jokes about promoting naming rights to his youngsters. However I would like you to know what you simply noticed. We taped {that a} week in the past and I considered killing it, however then I additionally considered Dr. Dre killing me and for making him drive to Hollywood to placed on make-up for no cause. That’s how asses get capped and I would like no a part of it. So we saved it. And you realize what? If Seth has an issue with it, he can take it up with motherfucking Dre.”
“How about these New York Knicks final evening? Okay, I feel there are extra athletes right here than there have been on the sport final evening.”
“A lot sports activities. That is all sports activities. Now what occurred? We was once so homosexual. I do need to thank the Manning brothers for lastly answering the query, what if two jars of mayonnaise might sing? The reply is they’ll’t they usually shouldn’t. That was worse than what the Menendez brothers did.”
“That is my, I feel, my millionth upfront. I do it every year like a prostate examination, however it’s arduous to say no when Bob Iger exhibits up. Bob Iger has passionately led Disney for 20 years and reluctantly for 3. This was Bob’s second upfront look in a row. You suppose he must be right here? He doesn’t must be right here. He’s bought greater issues happening. You suppose Bob provides a shit about The Rookie season eight? Bob doesn’t care if this entire room turns into Avengers: Endgame mud, okay?”
“It is a bizarre expertise for me as a result of normally I come out right here to distract you from the truth that we’re dying, however in some way community tv’s like Jesus earlier than us has risen once more. Of the 4 main networks, solely one among us didn’t see viewership go up 12 months to 12 months. Now, I’m not going to inform you which one among us it’s as a result of it doesn’t matter, and please don’t ask. Simply be completely satisfied for all of us.”
“I need to want a contented birthday to these plucky centenarians at NBC. That wrinkly Peacock is 100 years previous, which is superb. NBC is lastly sufficiently old to observe CBS. NBC’s Chairman of World Promoting, Mark Marshall — seen right here in a hula hoop — claimed yesterday his community has amassed the best assortment of content material that has ever been assembled by one media firm. I assume Mark has by no means heard of PornHub, though primarily based on the expression on his face, I really feel like he has. However pay attention, Mark’s private masturbation habits are none of your enterprise and disgrace on you for even fascinated about them.”
“On the finish of the day, this isn’t all only a dick measuring contest and NBC nonetheless has the most important one, Dick Wolf, the Michael Jordan of character actors getting murdered within the park. Dick has six exhibits on NBC and two on CBS, together with a brand new one referred to as CIA, which has an fascinating premise. It’s a present about two companions, each in legislation enforcement. Certainly one of them could be very by the ebook, however the different, and I’m really glad you’re sitting down as a result of that is the place it will get loopy. The opposite one doesn’t play by the principles, performs by his personal guidelines. I do know because of this the writers needed to go on strike to cease AI or as our Secretary of schooling calls it, A1.”
“CBS was probably the most watched community once more for the seventeenth 12 months in a row led by their hit comedy Ghosts, which can also be what most of their viewers will likely be. Quickly Fox has a brand new present referred to as Reminiscence of a Killer. This one is a few hitman with Alzheimer’s, which sounds unhealthy, however it’s really very unhappy. He retains killing the identical man time and again, and that could be a dumb thought, however no less than CBS and Fox are making exhibits.”
“ABC ordered one new present and it’s a derivative of an previous present, which actually begs the query, what are we doing right here? We risked our lives flying into Newark for this. I imply, if you happen to went to a restaurant and the waiter stated, ‘our particular tonight is final 12 months’s fish,’ would you eat it? No, you wouldn’t. Our fish shouldn’t be recent. However you realize what? We do have a seasoned grandmother, fucking two golden bachelors. Say what you’ll about ABC. We’re nonetheless the one community the place you may see Pop Pop get a squeezer in a sizzling tub and season 34 of Dancing with the Stars. We all know what younger folks need to see and it’s not us, it’s YouTube.”
“Deloitte simply did a survey and the survey confirmed that Gen Z and millennial viewers are spending extra time on social media than watching tv. Yeah, no shit. You suppose we wanted a survey to know that? Fuck you, Deloitte. And you realize what? Fuck these ungrateful Gen Z-D baggage too. Oh, you’re too cool for Match Sport. Nicely, guess what? When you have got youngsters and also you want that hit of Moana to maintain the little bastards quiet for 2 hours, you’ll come crawling again to Disney like canines. Disney has 164 million lively customers per thirty days throughout our advert supported platforms, greater than twice the quantity Netflix has. I don’t have a joke for that. I simply need you to know we lastly beat these motherfuckers. That’s nothing. And we now have our extremely anticipated new sports activities platform. Now, initially the rumors had been that it will be referred to as flagship, however it’s not referred to as flagship as a result of flagship is a nasty and complicated title and we don’t give issues unhealthy and complicated names. Simply ask FX on Hulu on Disney Plus.”
“So what’s going to this mysterious new streaming service be referred to as? Nicely, they’d a conclave and a bit puff of white smoke got here out of Jimmy Pitaro’s ass. And the brand new service bringing reside content material to hundreds of thousands of followers world wide will go by the title ESPN. And that’s why they name us imagineers … it might have been worse. It might have been Versant. Versant is an ideal title. It already appears like one thing you subscribed to by chance. Versace’s portfolio contains MSNBC, CNBC and USA, Oxygen, E, Syfy, the Golf Channel. Now, each channel is what a sexless marriage might ever want, in accordance with their president. The Versant viewers is probably the most devoted viewers within the trade, which is spectacular contemplating the truth that they didn’t even exist till yesterday.”
“On the finish of the day, and possibly this sounds corny, however this enterprise is about relationships. Nobody is aware of what the long run holds … There may very well be a tough highway forward, however we’re going to get by means of it and you understand how we’re going to get by means of it. I’ll inform you how. Women and gents right here with one other track, please welcome the Manning Brothers. No, I’m kidding, however do give us cash or we’ll convey them again out once more. Alright, I’m going to go earlier than they ship Jamie Lee Curtis out to drag me off stage.”
